


Pretending's so Comfortable

by xenous



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 02:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17716400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenous/pseuds/xenous
Summary: "You're happy, you have your wife, your kids and then your best friend with benefits. All is right in your world."





	Pretending's so Comfortable

**Author's Note:**

> Well this turned out to be a lot more sad than I thought it would be.

When I look at you at night, during that post-orgasm haze, I can pretend you're mine.

No one's there to prove me wrong in the dead of night. 

I can fool myself that whatever this is between us means something. It’s not just some kind of power trip for you, its not just about emotionless release when you have no alternative. I can almost make myself believe that you chose me...almost.

 

But eventually you’ll wake up. You’ll wake up, and I’m back to being nothing. Back to just being your friend.

I know exactly how it will be this morning; it’ll be the same as it has been every morning since this began. Nothing's going to have magically changed, as much as I want it to.

 

In a while you're going to wake up and pull away from me, I’ll pretend I’m asleep like I always do. I can’t take the look in your eyes when you leave, the fact that there isn’t anything there hurts too much, I’d rather pretend that there was something than be faced with the reality that this really does mean nothing to you.

You’ll sit on the edge of the bed or bunk, or whatever it was that we happened to sleep in last night. You’ll sit there with your head in your hands; I’d like to pretend it's because you feel guilty for not being able to be with me completely, but no. You’ll sit there for a few moments burying the guilt you feel over cheating on her, cheating on your family. I can almost sense your walls going back up, mask being put back in place.

 

You’ll turn around, pat my leg and nearly shove me out of the bed. Pat me on the back; thank me for a good time. Treat me like some whore that you picked up from a street corner, not like your best friend of how ever many years. Not like a man who would do anything for you.

You might as well leave me some money, make it official.

In the mornings you can’t even look me in the eye, let alone say my name.

 

Sometimes, during what we do (it's not just sex to me, so I can’t call it that. And it's defiantly not making love... and fucking is way too simple of a word) I feel like carving my name in your chest or your thigh - somewhere inexplicable. Somewhere that there's no reason for me to have access to, other than if all our clothes had been off.

You would look so beautiful with my name carved deep into your skin. MARK carved in large red letters that would never fade. I’d let you do it to me too - GARY engraved in my flesh somewhere private. Somewhere no one would ever see, other than you, of course.

The most precious of all tattoos. 

I’ve done it for you; it helps me pretend. Helps me convince myself that this is real, that I have a chance. 

I can’t believe you’ve never seen it.

But then again its not like you actually look at me during...you pretend I’m someone else.

 

You always leave whilst I’m in the shower. I don’t think you want to be reminded of what and who you’ve just done.

I know every morning that I’ll come back out and I’ll be alone, but it doesn’t stop me from hoping that every morning you’ll still be there.

Sometimes I talk to you through the door - pretending you're still with me. I stopped doing that when I found myself talking to the elderly maid who’d come to clean up. I think she almost had a heart attack when I walked out of the bathroom.

 

Then I’ll go down to breakfast or out to wherever we’ve parked the van and I’ll see you with her, with your kids. You're happy, you have your wife, your kids and then your best friend with benefits. All is right in your world.

I’ll imagine you telling her that you love me, leaving your safe family unit for me. Us having a wonderful life, being happy and growing old together. 

 

Every night I’ll pretend you're mine; I’ll run my hands through your hair while you sleep. I’ll pretend that it's my right to be able to do this. I’ll kid myself into believing that you care, that one day it’ll be alright. That one day you’ll be mine.

It’ll never happen, but in the end, pretending’s all I’m left with.

Pretending like this is the one thing keeping me sane.


End file.
